


not meant to play this part

by flyingthesky



Category: Union J (Band), X Factor (UK) RPF
Genre: Body Dysphoria, Gen, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, Podfic Available, Toxic Masculinity, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-12
Updated: 2012-11-12
Packaged: 2021-02-26 19:07:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21863605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flyingthesky/pseuds/flyingthesky
Summary: "Josh," Ella says, smiling, "You should come get a makeover. Jaymi let us do him yesterday, it was aces."The look on Josh's face must say enough, because Ella laughs patting his cheek."Sorry," she says, "I forgot you're, like, too manly for makeovers. Seriously, though, you're welcome if you want to come."





	not meant to play this part

Josh is five when his mother takes the lipstick tube from his hands and scrubs at his face, telling him _lipstick is for girls and not boys, Joshie, why do you go play with your cars?_ when all he wants to hear is _you're pretty_. The lesson doesn't leave him.

He tries for Jaymi, though, and Jaymi knows that Josh doesn't means half of the awful things that come out of his mouth. It's not that he thinks Jaymi is _wrong_ , just that he's spend his whole life hearing how _those fucking poofs will be the death of government_ and _homos are a sign of the decline of the human race_. Josh likes Jaymi, is proud to be in a band with one of the best damn singers he knows, but he's still. He doesn't mean to, sometimes, is all.

It's even worse with George. George is . . . George kisses Ella easily, but will also drop himself in Jaymi's lap and press sloppy kisses to Jaymi's cheek just as easily. Jaymi tries to explain, tries to make Josh understand, but he just _doesn't get it_. He doesn't get how George will let Ella make him up, paint his lips red and curl out his lashes. Doesn't he _know_? Even Jaymi doesn't wear lipstick. It's for _girls_.

"Josh," Ella says, smiling, "You should come get a makeover. Jaymi let us do him yesterday, it was aces."

The look on Josh's face must say enough, because Ella laughs patting his cheek.

"Sorry," she says, "I forgot you're, like, too manly for makeovers. Seriously, though, you're welcome if you want to come."

And it's just. It's not that Josh doesn't want to. He wants to, maybe too much, and he _shouldn't_. He really honestly shouldn't, but Josh is still waiting for someone to tell him that he's pretty somewhere deep within him. He wants someone to look at him and say, breathless, _you're gorgeous_ the way they do for George. The way Olly does for Jaymi. The way they do for girls like Ella, who are effortlessly beautiful but still blush when you tell them.

So Josh. Josh ends up knocking on Ella's door because he's. He just wants to be selfish and have the one thing he wants. He's spent too long pretending that he doesn't and he's on fucking _X-Factor_. If that's not a time to start reaching for what you want, then . . . Josh doesn't know if there's ever going to be a better time.

When Ella opens the door, she smiles in the way that Josh wants to learn. It's the smile that's warm and inviting, a little like clouds parting to let sunshine filter down, and it's so _sincere_. He's never been able to get that part down right, the sincerity.

"You came!"

"Wanted to see what all the fuss is about. My band won't stop nattering on about your makeovers."

"That's because," George says from where he's seated on Ella's bed, "Ella's makeovers are the best."

At the sound of George's voice, Josh turns. George's legs are crossed, his hands resting on his knees, and he's wearing a sparkling tiara that looks like it maybe came out of a Halloween reject pile but it doesn't. He wears it with such confidence that it makes him earn the stupid nickname. Josh almost says it out loud, overtaken with just how gorgeous George is, but he stops himself and finds the right response buried under what he wants to say.

"I can tell."

"I know you think I'm pretty," George says, giving the ridiculous smile that's charmed away everyone. "It's okay if you don't want to admit it out loud, though."

"Sit down," Ella says. "I've still got to do George's make-up, but I'll do you next."

Josh settles in the slightly uncomfortable armchair that's in every one of their hotel rooms, watching Ella sweep lipstick onto George's lips and line his eyes in dark kohl. It takes hardly any time, and the Ella's pulling away to survey her handiwork. George turns toward Josh, light catching on the cheap, metallicized plastic of his tiara.

"What do you think?"

"You've got a career in drag if Union J goes under, that's for sure."

"You're so sweet, Joshy," George says, batting his eyelashes. "You really know how to give a compliment."

"He's just jealous he's not as pretty as you," Ella says, patting George's shoulder.

George pulls Ella a little closer, pressing a kiss to her cheek that leaves a smear of lipstick Ella doesn't bother to wipe off. She does push him away, though, claiming that it's Josh's turn and George can't just keep her to himself. It's adorable in the same way Olly and Jaymi's interactions are, and Josh . . . wishes he had that. He's just never met someone he'd want that _with_.

Ella disentangles herself from George and wanders over to where Josh is sitting. She's got her case of makeup with her, and she sets it on the table next to Josh. Arms akimbo, Ella studies Josh for a moment before looking over her shoulder at George.

"What d'ya think: red or pink for Josh?"

"Do that color you did for JJ the other day," George says. "The 'Kiss Me Coral' one."

"Yeah," Ella murmurs, digging through her case. "It'd definitely look good on him. Come here and help me do his hair, though."

It takes George a moment to get off the bed and walk over, but then Ella's dropping a handful of brightly colored clips into the palm of his hand. Josh watches as George picks through them, taking two pinkish ones and setting the rest down on the table next to where Ella's laying out make-up. George surveys Josh for a moment before brushing his hair back and clipping it in place. Ella glances over, giving a nod of approval before nudging George out of the way and uncapping the tube of lipstick in her hand.

She moves to apply it and Josh closes his eyes. His mother's voice, telling him _lipstick is for girls and not boys_ echoes in his head and he hears Ella's _just jealous he's not as pretty as you_ too. They're both true, is the thing. He's not pretty and he never will be because he's not. He's just. Careful fingers curve around his cheek, and Josh squeezes his eyes shut tighter.

"Hey," he hears Ella say, "You okay, Josh?"

"Sorry," he says. "I'm going to look awful."

"Look at me," Ella whispers.

Breathing out, Josh lets his eye flutter open again. Ella's smiling at him , her thumb stroking his cheek, and Josh is vaguely aware of George at the edges of his vision. Josh tries to breathe evenly, but he still hiccups the beginning of a sob.

"When I'm through with you," Ella says firmly, "you're going to be the prettiest person in this room. I promise."

"I may even have to relinquish my tiara," George adds.

The next breath comes more easily, and after a moment Ella holds the lipstick up again. She raises an eyebrow, and Josh nods. It's small, barely a nod at all, but Ella still smiles and twists up the lipstick a tiny amount before fitting her fingers under Josh's chin. She sweeps it on, directing Josh to do this or that, and he's surprised to find that the lipstick feels the same way it did when he was small.

"You're already looking prettier than I am," Ella says, laughing, "and you'll definitely beat out George by the time I'm done with the rest of your make-up."

Josh doesn't quite believe her, can't quite believe her, but he lets her do the rest of his make-up without fuss. After a quick sweep of blush, she does something with a little pot of eyeshadow, swiping it on his lids and smudging it slightly, and then lining his eyes before brushing on mascara. Each step makes Josh believe what Ella's said a little more, and he's. George and Ella keep repeating how pretty he is, and it's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for him.

After a couple more minutes, Ella appears to be satisfied with her handiwork. Arms akimbo once more, Ella takes a step back to look at him and Josh wants to hide, but he doesn't. He looks at her and _smiles_ , because he's pretty. He is.

"I'm actually." Ella pauses, shaking her head. "I'm actually kind of annoyed at how much prettier you are than me right now."

"Yeah." George nods. "You definitely win the tiara."

Smiling, George lifts the tiara from his head and settles it on Josh's. Rummaging around in her make-up case, Ella produces a tiny mirror that she presses into Josh's hands. He's almost afraid to look, but. There is nothing to be afraid of, so Josh lifts the mirror up. It's. _Oh_.

They weren't lying.

**Author's Note:**

> there were some [sudden-onset feelings](https://hesatreat.tumblr.com/post/35525190627) that led to this. if you were wondering, because it's never made explicit, josh is still working through gender identity but would eventually settle into being a trans woman.
> 
> you can also download a podfic of this story [here](https://drive.google.com/open?id=11r2n0hu5o56Z2wTY1Tr2_l6BhJRCDWnh).


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